Safewords and Safe Signals
"Safeword" Is a bit of a misnomer. What we are talking about here are control or "stop" words which allow the sub/bottom to control what is happening to them. If a situation arises where the sub feels unsafe or is experiencing a medical problem then it is fair more sensible to just come out and say so rather than yell "tangerine!!" and wait to be asked what the problem is.
Control Words
Control words are a good idea when playing with people you do not know intimately, whether these are random folk at clubs and play parties or two people just embarking on a new relationship together. It is important to make sure that both parties are totally clear on what the stop word is before commencing.
"No" or "Stop" are not very good control words because they are often uttered as part of the ambience of the scene but are not always truly meant. Choose a random word like tangerine, albatross or bicycle although these can be difficult to remember and can seem very silly and forced in context. One good choice is to use the Dom's first name, if the sub would not otherwise use it in the scene
If you do not want to destroy the feel of the scene then a less common word for "stop" can be agreed on and used such as "mercy" or "forgive me". This works particularly well for verbal abuse scenes. A phrase like "you are too cruel" can be used to indicate that a psychological or emotional limit is being reach but stays within the context of the scene.
Traffic Lights
One of the most common control systems used is known as the Traffic Light System. With this method the sub will say "Green" if asked how they feel and all is ok, or will voluntarily say "Yellow" if they feel they are coming to a tolerance limit and "Red" when they want the experience to stop immediately.
Control Signals
There will be times when verbal control words cannot be used. If the sub is gagged then obviously they will be unable to utter a clear word. This is where control signals come into use. The sub can be given a hankie or small ball to hold. This can be dropped when they want to call a halt to play or will fall from the hand if the sub starts to pass out.
This is one of the areas that often form the basis of BDSM debates about power exchange. Is it safe to allow yourself to be gagged if you do not know your play partner well enough and are having to use control words - or - if you do know your partner well enough, should you still be using control words at all?. It is a fact that a sub using control word holds the balance of power and is therefore not actually submitted to the Dom. If you haven't got the sensitivity to be able to distinguish genuine distress from role-play, perhaps you shouldn't be playing at all.
To The Sub
Remember that if you agree to play without a control word, you are putting your safety completely in the hands of another. Ask yourself whether or not you trust that person to that degree. If you do not have absolute trust in your Top/Dom, you must insist on a control word in order to protect yourself.
