Doing It Online


First things first… I'm not setting myself up here as some kind of an expert on Long Distance or any other kind of online relationship. It did however, strike me quite some time ago that an awful lot of folks do sneer a little/a lot (delete as applicable to you) about those who indulge in purely online relationships – of whatever magnitude or form that relationship takes.

So having dealt with my own (far from ideal) online partnership previously I decided to explore the whole issue a little further .

Personally I don't care what form your online relationship takes. I don't care what kinds of fantasies you indulge in (apart from maybe a few that I really don't want to think about). I don't care if you cyber the night (or day) away, I don't care if you indulge in cyber BDSM, fuck donkeys, or are castrated and beaten to a pulp thrice nightly; providing that is, I don't have to watch it in a chatroom. As long as you don't inflict your cyber scenes on me, you can indulge yourself to your hearts content; its no business of mine.

From the relatively brief time I have been active on the internet I have seen a number of different kinds of online relationships, many of which have been fully demonstrated in the Alt Euro Room. These include:

  flirtations and diversions and what is perhaps best termed as online dating.
  those brief cyber liaisons with an individual or individuals.
   full blown partnerships conducted online with merely the haziest nod at getting together sometime…maybe…never.
  the fledgling relationships, born online which may or may not come to some kind of real time fruition.

I have observed all these kinds of relationships work in both the long and short terms. I have also seen any number of them crash and burn, sometimes quite spectacularly.

In none of the categories above have I made any kind of distinction between BDSM and nilla. All relationships, be they online or r/t are fraught with difficulty and all relationships are lost without trust. In many ways it seems online relationships, be they of the BDSM variety or not, suffer from primarily the same difficulties as the r/t variety … with the added dimension of not having physically met your partner – though some would count that as a plus.

The bottom line for a functional relationship must surely be that all parties involved are getting what they want from it. If you are looking to find your perfect Dom or sub and want to settle down and live happily ever after then there is little point in emotionally committing to someone who appears perfect for you but is married and wants to stay that way. In the short term your online (or r/t) fireworks may be everything you desire… but you have two very different points of view of where the relationship is going .

So a few Do's n Don'ts (which you may consider useful or enlightening or so obvious you can't think why I bothered to type them).

DO

Be honest about what you are looking for
  If you are not looking for the same outcome then things won't have a happy ending
If you are not planning to meet the other party be honest about it
If you do think you may meet the other party then make sure you are being scrupulously honest and not making promises you cannot or have no desire to keep
If you lose interest in the other party, don't string them along
If all you want is cyber or erotic emails or steamy online chat that's fine… just make sure that is what the other party is after

Be cautious about giving out personal information
  Most reasonable people will understand a reluctance to give out your personal information
The ability to talk over the net is a wonderful thing… make the most of it!
Use mobile phones rather than landlines… particularly in the early days
Talk to other people, find out if anyone has met this individual – difficult with an LDR I realise


Check out the other party as much as possible
  Call the numbers you are given
If you are given an address check it out
If you know (and trust) someone in that area ask them to check it out for you


Meet the other party as soon as possible
  If you neither of you want to meet that's fine… but if you do then get it out of the way before there is too much emotional investment on either part.
If the physical chemistry isn't there (and if that is important to you) then you want to know about it sooner rather than later


DON'T

Tell lies about what you are looking for
  That includes lying to yourself in order to fulfill the other party's ideal (you will get bored, fed-up, frustrated or irritated if you commit yourself to something you have no real interest in)
If you find that what you are looking for changes (because we can all change our minds) then be honest about it and tell the other party


Take sole responsibility for making the relationship work
  Online or r/t, BDSM or nilla, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work


Commit yourself mentally to the first person to come along
  This applies particularly if you are new to the net or chatrooms or BDSM
Anything worth having is worth waiting for


This is not a definitive list by any means and if you have anything to add then I am sure MC and Circe would love to hear from you.

In the past 18 months, particularly, I have seen a number of fledgling relationships blossom into "the real thing", I have also seen some quite dramatic failures. I have seen people made incredibly happy and satisfied by things begun online and I have seen other's betrayed by those who have been less than honest about their personal circumstances and intentions. I have also seen those who are being manipulated with scant care being taken for their emotional well being.

To the former I wish you well, to the latter I wish you future happiness and to all those still seeking I wish you luck.

W xx

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