Where to begin…that is the question… the more I think about writing this article the more of a sad loser I feel… When I began writing this it was nominally about my experiences in an LDR (long distance relationship) with a Dom in Australia, my relationship with whom is now entering its fourth year. The act of trying to formulate the article has made me put that relationship under the microscope and, if I am brutally honest, I haven't liked what I have found.
We met in a nilla chatroom and just got chatting, as you do, about nothing in particular and moving seamlessly over a period of weeks into talking in private and then on MSN. He told me up front that he was married (the precarious state of which became obvious over the next weeks). The fact of his marriage did not really make an impact initially; we were talking online not embarking on an affair. In retrospect whom was I trying to kid!
At a relatively early stage we discussed our sexual preferences … he told me about his experiences with BDSM, his relationship with his wife was Dom/sub and had been for approximately 12 years. I had little experience outside "tie-me-up-and-spank-me" games in the early days of what was ultimately an extremely dysfunctional relationship, which had ended approximately 12 months earlier. His marriage was grinding to a nasty end and I was lonely and ripe for a little intrigue/fun/something new.
I cringe now as I remember the early days, my naiveté and willingness to place my trust in a man who was really a stranger – except that he wasn't, he had struck a chord deep inside me. It sounds extremely corny to say that we were like 2 sides of the same coin but that was how it felt… we complemented each other . Again in retrospect I think the element of "control" that our online relationship gave him allowed him to cope better with his disintegrating marriage (and yes I do realise everything I know about his life comes from him).
We graduated from talking online to talking on the phone, twice a day at least and given the time difference and our respective jobs that was no mean feat. I would be given tasks to do for him, things to try some of which I enjoyed others I did because he had told me too and I did not want to fail him. Just to hear his voice saying "Hello slut…" would brighten my day. We still talked about everything and anything; he would tell me about his business, I would listen to his concerns about his failing marriage and having been through one of my own could empathise with him. He bolstered me through some very trying times both at work and home and provided sage advice when I found myself out of my depth. I cannot speak for him but I was getting deeply embroiled emotionally with him.
About 6 months into the relationship I tried to pull back. I was scared of how attached I was getting to him. He was in Australia, deeply committed to his family and I was in England equally committed to mine. His business made it impossible for him to travel at that time, though he planned a trip to Europe the following summer. I allowed him to convince me to continue our relationship and in retrospect I believe that was the wrong decision for me I should have got out whilst the going was good.
He introduced me to other subs he talked to online, one of whom I got very close to not appreciating the transient nature of most of these online liaisons. I was very hurt when she vanished from the scene, to be replaced by another. Following the end of his marriage he has had relationships with subs locally which I initially found very difficult to deal with. I have been introduced to them over the telephone and online and I have at times been teeth gnashingly jealous.
About 2 years into the relationship it stopped being fun! I was still emotionally tied to him but starting to feel strung along. The trip to Europe hadn't happened, and neither had the revised trip, things would go quiet with him for a while… usually to be followed by the introduction of a new sub. Still I couldn't break away.
By this time he had introduced me to Alt and I had found the Euro room and got talking to some of the peeps in there. Again I cringe when I think of myself in the early days. I started reading more about D/s relationships, talking to people online whose opinion I value, frequently feeling like a fraud because what they were experiencing I was still dreaming about.
He would be happy if I was to become involved with someone, but somehow I can't; I am tied to him. Whilst I do not doubt that at one time I was the most significant person in his life I believe that our time has passed. I feel that we have gone on for too long now, with no movement forwards and still I cannot break away. When we talk now it is almost a chore… we are marking time waiting to see if the long awaited trip will happen (and I do understand that there are valid reasons it has not taken place).
Should we meet now the burden of expectation will be almost unbearable.
So I guess that ultimately this is a cautionary tale. Be wary with whom you get involved and make sure that you both want the same things. If you are looking for someone to build a r/t relationship with then perhaps choosing someone on the opposite side of the world is not a good move. It is extremely difficult to sustain an LDR over a number of years… life gets in the way. If you are planning on meeting the other party… do it relatively early .. before you have too much emotional investment.
Last time I spoke to him, he told me that he felt like a bastard for doing this to me, but I can say with all honesty that it has been worth it. We have been there for each other through some very tough times and, regardless of whether the D/s side works out, he is, and I hope always will be, my friend.
©2003 W
