.... with blue satin sashes

I always felt things on a deep level ... can't remember a time when I didn't ... and enough was never quite enough .... however close I got just wanted to get closer ... (let me sit on your knee??? ... well I'll just throw my arms around you too ..... and see how your hair feels with my mouth for good measure ..... and oh you smell so good) was like all my senses had gone into overdrive .... and was aware of this thing inside me ..... just didn't have experience to know what it was. As I got older I defined it as the dark side ..... but this shouldn't imply it was not a joy to me .... a confusion maybe .... a challenge definitely ....... but wouldn't have been without it.

Can remember how such small things fascinated me ..... easily enchanted by the visual .... the silk ribbon on a dress ...... the feel of velvet ..... lace ribbons which were forever dangling from my hair ... seemed even as a child I wanted to dress as a deviant. And oh the edge in someone's voice making me love them more ....... and the utter, utter dread of being physically punished at school ..... coupled with the intense thrill and curiosity of how it would feel ..... would I still be the same person afterwards? ....... how would people react to me etc? ......... would I be ridiculed by other children?.... and would I enjoy it? .....

And oh having to hide reactions oh so often ....... watching tv ... listening to stories .... trying not to look too thrilled when people were punished ....... surely my pleasure was written all over me?? ... (don't look at me now please mother ..... you may not like the glint in my eye) ...... but don't think it will go away ......

Strange mixture at 13 ...... looked like a child hooker with breasts .... always dressed in black...but still playing schools with my best friend ........ big girls now though really ... and all we ever did was do something wrong ... then get punished or punish ........ seemed perfectly reasonable at the time ....... still see her now .... married, gorgeous blonde etc .... but oh so tempted to say to her do you remember the time when we..............

And as a teenager ...... 80s etc .... all those gorgeous guys in eyeliner ....... why they all looked like deviants!! ... was in guy heaven .... first love .... so pretty ..... looked like two girls together ....... and here I thought was the answer .......... sex ..... then the utter disappointment ... loved him so dearly ..... (but oh my darling was that it?? Is this as close as we get??) ........ invading my body ........ awkward, clumsy .. yukky wet tongue in my ear .. Body crying out for a deeper level of intimacy ............ so where do I go from here? ... what now .......

Alone was where ......... for a few years ..... my mid teens spent looking at people .... trying to catch a mirage image of me in their eyes ..... reading sleazy magazines ... hoping somewhere in there would be the answer ..... alienated maybe from the usual girl chat because I couldn't get excited at the usual girl nonsense ..... why you're boyfriend made love to you? ... well then you have my sympathy ..... day trips down to Soho .... hoping magically I'd be rescued and taken where I should really be ...... standing fascinated outside the stores ..... loving the sleaze .... the girls on the door all looking beautiful to me .... the whores on the corners ..... the guys dressed as girls .... enchanting.

Loved again a little later ...... beautiful boy ......... so much fun ... and could be myself ..... couldn't find the BDSM scene, indeed didn't even know there was one ........... so gay scene absorbed me a while ..... so much fun clubbing ....... we shared a bed ... such close friends .... and when guys stayed over .... was sweetest thing ...... got to watch ..... loved to see the flinch of pain, the grasping of the pillow .. and the cry of pain and pleasure as my love was penetrated ....... (keep me close to you my darling ..... love my life right now) ........ not on the dark side yet ... where I need to be ..... but coming ever closer ........

The irony was that if I was gay would have been so much easier .... gay switchboard ... magazines .... easy to find clubs and parties ...... even now the marginalisation of people involved in BDSM ... and the assumptions made about them makes me cross.

I hate drugs ... they spoil things .... beautiful boys turn into evil guys and have to draw away from me. I wouldn't say what happened next was dishonest ....... more cowardice ..... I didn't want to be this way ... wanted to be a normal girl ...... and so I was ..... with a guy who couldn't meet my needs. Imagine being in a relationship, where someone professes to love you? .... yet you can't express your most intimate private thoughts with them for fear of disgust .... is a hard thing to do .... especially for a long time ....... and nothing ever seems quite right ... nice days spent out shopping etc ... watching tv .... but with some essential element missing ... getting as far away as possible in bed .... (please don't touch me ... please don't touch me .... ) .lonely thing to do ... more lonely than actually being alone ....

Afterwards so lucky to have met a guy .... unfortunately we didn't connect on an emotional level ...... but after years and years of longing and wanting ....... could now explore the fantasies that obsessed me ..... my body became suddenly thrilling to me ..... the marks on it etc .... the bruises ...... totally fascinating ..... best thing was that we reached a physical level of intimacy where nothing felt disgusting .... (you have your period? .... no problem I'll just fuck your arse instead) ... saw me beaten, bound, hurt and humiliated etc ... and still held me close in bed afterwards ....... and oh I came on so far ..... the things initially talked of doing .... and all the time a voice in my head saying you can't, you can't etc ..... then finding I could ....... and still feel wonderful about myself afterwards...

I don't know what will happen to me next. Lucky to have wonderful deviant friends and people I'm close with. One thing for sure though, I'll never be in a relationship where the deviant streak in me isn't valued. I think as we get older we have more confidence in our needs ... as a teenager, sometimes I longed to be like the other girls in my darker moments .... now I just want to be myself. I wanted to write about growing up with these feelings as I think it's a hard thing to do. Indeed one of the greatest things I've found since using alt is a sense of knowing I'm not alone ... and not feeling like a freak of nature. I'm not talking of the people who are just after sex etc .... I hate that attitude ........ but I think whatever personality clashes happen within the BDSM scene .... we should all be proud of each for sheer bravery and determination. We may not always get along .... we may not always agree with each other .... and we don't even have to like each other .... but we share a common thread which when the chips are down .... should assure us of support and loyalty. I can't take responsibility for this comment I'm afraid .... but met an alt girl at a party once .... bright girl with lovely smile ....... and she said I think everyone involved in BDSM is beautiful ....... and I think that is such a lovely thing to say ...

©2003 T
who is really R
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