I believe I am pan-sexual in my acceptance of people. Whether people are swingers or weekend fetish clubbers, gay, TS, TV or straight is not an issue with me. The problem, or maybe "insult" is the better word, comes when BDSM activities are used by mainstream (also known as "vanilla") folk who then claim to be "into" BDSM. Basically, if emotional and/or sexual satisfaction and happiness can be achieved at other times without the use of such activities or fetishes, they are not BDSMers. My concerns, frustrations or niggles, call them what you may, only raise their heads when I find people claiming to be something they are not, or most especially, when they go on to convince newcomers that they are something that they are not. If it's kinky sex then says so, if it's swinging why not admit to it, but don't wrap it up and try to sell it as anything other than it is. Be proud of what you are! Stand up and be counted!
BDSM
BDSM is most often a deep-seated psychological need. It is not something you pick up at weekends or do just to add a little flare or excitement into a relationship. Most long-term relationships will contain some degree of tying a partner to the bed, spanking, dressing-up or role-play. Magazines are always promoting these things as "10 Exciting Ways to Spice up Your Sex Life" and companies like Ann Summers have grown fat off the back of that. BDSMers fall into a different category to that. With them it is something that has always been there, most often from puberty. It is not a genetic thing like homosexuality, but it is the psychological equivalent. BDSMers cannot easily achieve sexual arousal or emotional release in the way mainstream/vanilla folk can. The sadism, masochism, control or fetish needs to be present to achieve this. This means that it cannot be, is not, something you decide to try out to see if you like it. You don't choose it, it's just who and what you are. However, not everyone has the self-awareness to spot this at such an early age. Their needs are turned in dark fantasies that are kept secret for fear of being seen as mentally disturbed. Many assume that they are the only ones to feel like this. So the BDSM needs get repressed as people try to conform to accepted social and relationship expectations.
BDSM as a Mental Disorder
Repressed BDSM needs manifest themselves in other ways. As it is an essential part of the person it cannot stay hidden totally. In some it manifests as aggressive behaviour, in others it comes out as depression or in the over-use of artificial stimulants like alcohol, smoking, comfort eating or drugs. In cases where it would be described as a mental disorder it will show as a social dysfunction: reclusive behaviour, the inability to form relationships or self-harming. Some will participate in autoerotic activities, tying themselves up, asphyxia, cutting etc, and these sometimes lead to death because the person is alone and gets into difficulties. However, if a person has managed to come out of the closet with their BDSM then they lead a healthy and normal life because their needs are being met.
BDSMs Fight in Society
Unfortunately society is not set up to make this easy. It's hard to find a doctor who is not hell bent on sending a person to a psychiatrist because they have gone to him with a tampon stuck up their arse, or for treatment when the word "whore" cut into their back has become infected. Then there is the law, who refuse to see consent as a defence, preferring to see it as aiding and abetting Actual or Grievous Bodily Harm on oneself. These issues actually go some way to cause the mental disorders that we, as a society, seek to avoid, forcing people to keep it all to themselves, in their heads, where they feel it is safe. They also force BDSM into the underworld. This has given rise to militant factions who campaign for BDSM rights.
Public Awareness of BDSM
We have seen the length of time it has taken to create public awareness and change the laws on homosexuality. It is a long, slow process and BDSM is just taking its first faltering steps on the path. Trying to bring BDSM into public awareness has created some resentment from BDSMers. Programmes like Eurotrash show people that BDSM and fetishes are more widespread than they thought, but do it by taking the piss out of the participants. We then become a laughing stock .. people to be pitied. The more mainstream acceptance of latex and rubber wear also brings it's problems. Slim, gorgeous girls look great in it and therefore want to show off in the appropriate venues. This leads to an invasion of BDSM clubs where they stand watching, shocked and aghast, at people being tortured and beaten … whilst still feeling good about themselves because they are looking stunning in latex of course … but they are just weekend clubbers. Then there are the bedroom kinksters who get the added excitement of "going public" in the safety of private clubs. It is almost guaranteed that, when the law or society drops it's gaze on them, they will throw up their hands and declare that it was just a little something to spice up the bedroom. "Wink, wink, I'm sure you and the missus has done the same from time to time Officer!"
Are We Perverts?
It used to be fun to say we were perverts or that we were off to do pervery but, more and more, the media is using the word, and quite correctly, to describe paedophiles. We certainly do not want to be associated with that stigma. We are normal, everyday people and want to be seen and accepted as such, in the same way that homosexuality is seen … just a hiccup in the normal human condition.
So let's look at dictionary definitions for clarification, and let's do it without hearing the usual witterings about semantics and such. Since the media are using the correct meaning of the word it makes sense that, for our own protection and acceptance, we start to do the same.
dictionary.com – source : The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language
pervert - noun - One who practices sexual perversion
perversion - A sexual practice or act considered abnormal or deviant
Collins English Dictionary
pervert - noun - a person who practises sexual perversion
perversion - any abnormal means of obtaining sexual gratification
The word pervert is very sexually based and BDSM, itself, is not so sexually orientated. Abnormal? Not us!! Abnormal means that it is not seen as part of the natural human condition and, as stated above, we are normal people. Even the first dictionary definition here distinguishes between abnormal and deviant.
dictionary.com – source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language
deviant - noun - One that differs from a norm, a person whose behaviour and attitudes differ from accepted social standards.
Collins English Dictionary
deviant - adj - deviating, as from what is considered acceptable behaviour
- noun - a person whose behaviour, esp. sexual behaviour, deviates from what is considered acceptable.
This is a social and cultural definition. We certainly differ from accepted social standards. So we can put our hands up to that one!
It's not likely that the word "pervert" will be dropped that fast as a description for BDSMers though. It is entrenched in the language. But, more often, the common usage is for the word "perv" which has a more "naughty but nice" understanding to it.
©2003 Michelle / Circe1
