Thoughts on being a Master

What is a Master? The dictionary gives various definitions: a person of authority; one in control of the situation; someone who is learned in a particular skill; the owner of servants and slaves; a teacher of pupils; a leader of disciples. All these definitions could be used, in some way, to describe a BDSM Master.

Regarding the cyber-world.
I have heard people say that anyone who uses the word Master in his handle is a wannabe but I know this is not true. In chatrooms, such as Alt.com, the title is there to help distinguish the name-bearer’s interest or position, and it is true to say that most people select their handle before they discover that there are certain accepted traditions in Alt. If we just dismissed everyone who used Master or Dom in their names then we are likely to overlook genuine people that we could have shared with and learned from. Also, to suggest that these “titled” handles belong only to wannabes tends to imply that handles without titles all belong to genuine BDSMers. That would be a dangerous assumption to make.

The Internet has opened the BDSM world to many people. Some drift into places like Alt just looking for rough/kinky sex and some prefer BDSM simply as a cyber activity. Few actually appreciate that BDSM happens in the real world and I have even come across some in Alt who can't believe that people would really do this sort of thing in real life.

Regarding real life.
I am a Master because I have learnt skills, almost by way of an apprenticeship, from a D/s couple in Norfolk. But I am not happy to just sit back and imagine that I know it all. I am constantly learning and adding to my skills. I learn from others, from my sub and from a deepening understanding of myself.
I am a Master because I own my sub. She has given me her submission and the right to dictate her life. She has done this, confident in the knowledge that I would never abuse that right.
I am a Master because I hold the control. This does not mean that I would run rough-shod over her thoughts and feelings simply because I am able to do so. I respect her limitations but they are not carved in stone. They are there to be reviewed and pushed as the relationship progresses.

I am only Master to one person, my sub Michelle (Circe1). I respect her, love and care for her. I nurture her and reassure her when she wobbles in her confidence. I listen to her and have come to understand her mind so I can also “hear” the things she is not saying aloud. M/s is not all about the physical side. Any prat can swing a flogger.

I have found that we seem to trip ourselves up over words and phrases We may all use the same word but it might mean something different to each of us.

Punishment : I beat and torture my sub, not because she has done wrong and deserves punishment, but because I am a sadist and enjoy hurting her. I find it strange that some Doms regard any beating as punishment, after all, if the sub is enjoying it how is it punishing her? This is not to say that physical beatings should never be used as punishment but I feel that the sub would receive this in a different frame of mind from a regular beating. She would most likely feel that she has let down or disappointed her Master and would accept the beating as a punishment. I feel it is important that the punishment fits the misdemeanour, and personally favour the setting of essays, lines or other such tasks.

Play : I am not happy with using this word. I take my “work” seriously. I am not playing a game. I know that it is widely accepted to mean scening, but I feel it sits better with the Dom/sub sessions, or with role-play, rather than a suitable word to describe the physical side of the Master/sub relationship.

Topping from the Bottom : To me this means having a sub directing the Master, whether overtly or covertly, to achieve what she wants during scening. “harder Master, left a bit, right a bit”. Unfortunately I have heard it used against subs who voice an opinion or offer a suggestion, and against subs who are outspoken with other Doms or Masters. Where the latter is concerned I only expect my sub to be submissive to me, it is therefore not possible for her to “Top from the Bottom” when talking to other people. I listen to my sub, to her hopes and her fears. I hear her fantasies and her nightmares and both prove useful. I can try to meet her needs through her fantasies and can satisfy my own evil desires by venturing towards her nightmares.

Master : I have explained what the word Master means to me but there is more. What is the difference between a Master and a Dom? One sub, ollaria, gave me the quote “there is a fine line between the two... a Dom has control at the time... but a Master has all the control all of the time”. I think it is one of the best descriptions I have seen so far. As I see it Dominant is a position but Master is a mind-set. I believe that Doms are capable of switching but Masters are not, it’s just not in their nature. All Masters are dominant but not all Dominants are Masters. I admit to being a little intolerant of Doms who profess to be Masters when, clearly, they are not.

What some people forget is that it is Master/sub relationship. This is a very important point to remember – IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!!!! It is about two people meeting their needs and this is probably the one and only aspect of equality. I need my sub as much as my sub needs me.

As in all relationships, honesty is paramount. Even the "Safe, Sane and Consensual" motto cannot exist without it. If honesty is missing then those three things become questionable.

© 2001 : Chris (MC)