A STORY:
A lady goes to her first BDSM club, with a group of friends. She is on her
own, and goes in to the dungeon to watch her friends doing electrical play.
Sitting quietly on the benches to the side, she is engrossed in the scene
before her, and watches her friend tease his sub with a violet wand.
Suddenly she realises she is being spoken to, and looks up to see a Dom male
before her. He is all in rubber, including a full cowl hood, as is holding a
somewhat alarming looking bullwhip and two canes, and is talking to her. She
looks at him, and realises he is asking her something. She smiles, and he
carries on in conversation with her.. except it isn't two way conversation.
He carries on talking, she just smiles.. He is obviously asking her
something. What? All she can tell is that there is a chap standing in front
of her with a hood on, and she watches the hood move, his head nod, the whip
and canes moving in echoes of his words. There is finally a pause, and the chap waits.
The lady takes a deep breath, and says....
'I have no idea what you are asking me, as I am deaf.'
This is the world of BDSM and deafness.
BDSM is all about communication, just like life!
The issues of deafness can be read about on the internet, there are lots of
organisations that deal both with deaf and Deaf people; those with tinnitus
(ringing and other noises in the ear); those that have become deaf (deafened)
and those with balance problems.
None, as far as I am aware, have chapters about BDSM! ;-)
Because BDSM relies so much on communication, and in many cases takes away
some of the senses as part of the control and D/s and Bondage, there are
extra problems if one or both (or more!) of the people involved can't hear.
MEETING
The first stumbling block is the one neatly illustrated above. How do you do
the initial interaction with someone? This is a common problem with deaf
people in all situations, as initial chit chat is difficult. Add a rubber
hood and/or a dark dungeon, so you can't lip read, what happens then? You can
hardly ask the person to speak loudly! What actually happened in the
situation mentioned above was that the lady
told the Dom she was deaf, so he raised the hood and started again so that she
could
lipread, but that did distract somewhat from the *Dom in hood* scene!! The
control had to be passed (even temporarily) to the prospective sub, who
dictated that the Dom had to remove his hood.
I am a deaf female with a male submissive partner, who I met online.
The world of the internet chat room has many benefits for those who may be
deaf, disabled, etc. It brings them to a totally equal starting point with
everybody else, which is just as it should be.
From the point of initial interaction, the internet meant I could *talk* with
a number of people and do all the kind of questions and chit chat that
hearing people might do on their first safe meetings. (Obviously there is the
danger online that people are fibbing, but that goes for any meeting, whether
between hearing/disabled or not.)
I think many people have an *extra sense* which they employ when they first
meet someone for the first few times. Deaf people perhaps have to use the
other senses more, and BDSM is no exception. I asked all the questions online
that I would otherwise have asked in real life when first meeting, but I had
to make sure I asked them before-hand. The first real life meeting then
became an excercise in employing all the other senses to try and see if I had
made the right choice!
If I were meeting someone in real time that I had never spoken to online,
that is no different from the problems encountered with anyone in the
non-BDSM community. Difficult! Just as in the non BDSM world, sometimes you
have to ask a friend or mentor to intervene and translate!
The hardest problems however are those involving scenes and initial play...
SCENES
How do you cope with not hearing if you are topping?
The issues are primarily those of communication, and communication doesn't
have to be verbal!
Just like those who hear, there has to be communication well before any play
commences. At the time when hearing top/bottoms, Dom/mes and submissives
would be discussing safe words, you discuss safe signals!
Lip reading or sign language are only usable if the submissive is facing the
Dominant partner, and of course if the sub is gagged or hooded, or
restrained or with puppy paws on etc, both methods of communication are then
lost. As a Top I had to ensure that during the first months of play I left
my sub with his fingers and hands relatively free, so that he could do either
basic sign language for his safe signals, and in some cases, to hold a bunch
of keys. He kept hold of the keys and I made sure they were always within my
sight. If he rattled the keys, that was the *go steady* signal, and if he
got to his hard limit, he could drop the keys and I would then know that was
enough for him. If the hands are restrained, the signal could be a wink, if
the eyes weren't covered. Many signals are possible but the key is to
communicate fully BEFORE the sub is gagged and bound!
As with many relationships, the longer you are partners the more you
understand the other person, so the keys gradually became unnecessary, as you
start to understand the partner's body language, the look in the eye, all the
non-verbal signals that are given. New methods of play require new signals,
constantly updating and refining is a challenge!
The top will always be in control, but there has to be understanding.
Note.
It has been suggested that the sub might be given earplugs, to bring him or
her inline with the D/deaf Dom/me. I can't wait to try it!
DUNGEONS
As mentioned above, dungeons are potentially difficult places to scene.
By their nature, there is a conduct of being quiet and respectful, and
therefore, I find that if you are taking a partner there, (whether as a sub
or Dom/me, you do an initial walk round,. Take the person round and look at
the equipment first, then retire to the general and well lit area to talk
(lip-read or sign as necessary) about it there. That way, you are
communicating any foreseen difficulties in an area where communication is
easier. That also makes sure that both partners are relaxed beforehand.
Personally I would be even more wary than usual of playing with someone in a
dungeon if I had only just met them, if I were deaf. Any Dom/me worth having
should display a degree of patience, and the heightened awareness necessary
during play between one or more D/deaf people is not something that comes
immediately.
The issue of trust becomes even more important with a d/Deaf submissive. I
would only blindfold a deaf submissive after a suitable level of trust was
attained, just as you would only do total breath play or any other major
transfer of control only after a certain level of trust was reached. Don't
forget that you can do the alphabet and sign language on to somebody else's
hands, just like you do with a deaf/blind person.
I would be interested to know if there were any deaf/blind people were in the
BDSM community, and how they cope?
In conclusion?
Never just *smile and nod* 
if you can't hear!!
©2006 Trisha
