Tackling Chatrooms

Written by roque

Contents


Chatrooms are often great places to meet like-minded people and can be very rewarding if you approach them with the right attitude.

You'll have opportunities to meet a large variety of people who may become guides, mentors and ultimately friends both on and offline. Hopefully, if you follow the advice below you'll also find playmates and/or potential long-term partners - which ever floats your boat.

Your first few moments and sentences in a chatroom will, unfortunately, more than likely dictate whether you will be accepted or not. Many BDSM chatrooms have experienced regulars - those who hang out to chat to existing friends and to make new ones. These people are often the ones who will be the most quick to welcome you, but also the most quick to assess you.

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Registration
Making an impression online goes back even so far as registration. Make sure you have read the information on the site and that you feel the site is definitely for you.

BACKGROUND READ! I've found there's nothing more frustrating that someone who comes online and says 'What's BDSM?'

If you don't know, then why are you on a BDSM and alt lifestyles site? The fact that you don't know, but may be curious, will just indicate that you were too lazy to put 'BDSM information' into google and actually do some research! This will not reflect favourably on you.

The other thing to consider before you sign up is also a decent name as you may be stuck with it for quite a while. Most sites do not allow name changes so you have to re-register, which is a time consuming process. A name like Drippingcunt or Bigcock4u are automatic turn-offs as is anything with the word fuck or horny in it. Can you imagine shouting such a name across the room at a fair or munch, if you do eventually meet up offline with some of the people that you get to know? Or even if people are to address you in room, they are unlikely to want to use cunt, cock or fuck. You will find that people with names like these are quickly ostracised as they usually prove to be just after a casual shag or similar - not very Alternative.

The other thing to bear in mind when choosing a name is that many chatrooms prefer to use capitalisation of a name to indicate a Top and a small letter at the beginning of a name for a bottom. However, this does not hold true for all sites nor for all members. It is always best to talk to someone and find out what they are - if either (some maybe just fetish and not into D/s etc) - before assuming and making a fool of yourself.

When registering fill in as much information as possible. In Alt lifestyles honesty is appreciated pretty much above all else. Leaving gaps is often very telling, especially for items such as marital status. Preferring not to answer such questions often indicates you have something to hide and people will assume as such. If you are married just say so, it means that if you do meet someone online you can both go into a relationship fully informed of the situation - surely no bad thing.

Obviously personal items such as penis size or breast size are at your discretion. Most genuine members will pretty much ignore this category anyway as it isn't relevant to how you connect with someone. Unless of course it's someone with a breast/penis fetish

The other item to consider is photos - you may not want to put any up for various reasons which is fine, but if you do please do not post explicit pictures! For the same reason as picking one of the names mentioned above, it implies you are only after sex and to most a picture of someone's dick or pussy close up really isn't attractive. If you must share these kinds of photos then just put in your profile that they are available on request. A nice clean picture of a smiling face will say a lot more about you than one of your lower half. If you are worried about being recognised, consider what that person was also doing on an Alt site - more a chance to discover a fellow friend in the scene surely.

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Finding the right room
Most sites will have a newbie room (or rooms), which is often a great place to start. However, they often contain a heady mixture of different people's conflicting opinions that may get confusing. Given that a large proportion of users in these rooms are also newbies, it's great for meeting people but probably less useful on the actual information side. That said, there are often a handful of more experienced members in the newbie room for various reasons; some are there to answer questions but others may be there to prey on impressionable new comers. For this reason I would be cautious about using the newbie room for anything except a resource - a Q&A room where information is discussed and shared.

If you are feeling more adventurous (and have done your reading!), you might want to skip the newbie room and head for something more specific. Most sites have country specific rooms as well as a number of rooms tailored to specific interests, preferences or inclinations.

Some of these may indulge in aspects of 'cyber' with chairs, log fires and subbies kneeling on furs, or may encourage full on 'cyber' liaisons and many will be more like a 'normal' chat room - with discussions ranging from football, the weather and dare I say it… even occasionally BDSM! Obviously the room you want is dependent on what you want to gain from you time online. You will probably find that the rooms that appear more 'normal' are the best for making and meeting friends and guides if you plan on exploring BDSM to its full potential.

The best way to find out what type of room you are in is to enter and observe. Do not be afraid to greet everyone and then just sit for a while to watch. See what the majority of people arriving/ leaving are doing and the type of chat. Don't be afraid to say you are new - there are many who will welcome you and who will try and incorporate you into the chat and answer questions about that particular room. A typical greeting in most rooms is something along the lines of "Hello A/all" or "E/everyone". This acknowledges both Tops and bottoms though some rooms are more relaxed about using the formal terminology than others.

One tip is to include the name of the person you are speaking to at the beginning of your sentences as this can help avoid confusion. If they have a long name, a shortened version might be used - observe what others are using or ask what they prefer to be called. This way you will avoid addressing the wrong person - in a couple for instance or calling a sub by the name of their Dom (some subs take on their Dom's name as a prefix or suffice to show that they are taken). Also, unless a situation requires it, avoid writing in Capital letters - this is considered the equivalent of shouting and hence rude.

The key thing is not to rush into anything. Take your time in finding your feet, be patient and be willing to learn. DO NOT be pressured into doing anything you are uncomfortable with and seek advice if you are at all unsure. Many I know, including myself, were overly eager at the beginning of our chatroom experiences and learnt the hard way to calm down a bit. Remember that although this may seem like just a bit of fun, there are real people with real feelings behind the words and the things that you do or say will have real consequences.

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Common Pitfalls

Trolling
In your time on an Alt lifestyles site you will come across those that others have labelled as trolls.

Trolls are those who appear to:

a) Only be after sex - i.e. an easy shag
b) Try it on with everything in the room that meets their preferred criteria
c) Be unbelievably ignorant and arrogant

The above can also be found in a variety of colourful combinations.

Group a) is typified by their initial greeting being something along the lines of 'anyone up for fun in x part of country this afternoon?' or "Anyone interested in some big cock?"

Group b) "is there any male/ female wanting sub/dom/me in here" or "any sub/dom/me want to IM/ chat/ cam " (or sending bulk network invites - Alt.com)

Group c) "All subs bow down and worship at my feet NOW!"

Avoid all the above if possible.

Why?

Well…

Group a) BDSM is not primarily about sex… although sex is a large aspect for many - it doesn't feature at all for others. There are other sites designed for those wanting to meet casual sex partners. The type of sex-crazed troll you'll find on an Alt site are typically those who have confused furry-handcuffed sex with BDSM or who think that being sub means you're easy. Anyway - would you really go meet a random stranger you'd just met (online I might add) for sex so soon? You may as well go down your local ritzy disco on a Friday night and pull that way - least then you'd know what you were getting yourself into.

Group b) When a person has worked their way through a whole subset of the room's population before getting to you, it doesn't exactly make you feel special - does it? That's the point here; approaches like this rarely work because they're too generalised and impersonal. A greeting of this nature will usually result in you being ignored if there is no-one present who is interested. The other alternative is that one of the opposite sex or orientation not greeted will pick up on it and be offended. Given that many people in a room may be friends it is important to gain respect from males/ females/ subs/ Dom/mes alike..

You can find out whether there are subs/ dom/mes present by talking to the individual members of the room and in fact, you never know whom you're going to click with. A case in point, is that recently a Dom and Domme I know have got together because they make great companions - it works for them and they play with other subs instead. With this 'trolling' approach you are just narrowing your field. Keep an open mind! A point to note though, is that Group b are sometimes also newcomers who haven't had the luxury of coming to this site first - these therefore will often accept advice gratefully.

Obviously if you are in a cyber room this type of greeting is commonly used as an invitation to play so the use of the above would not be considered trolling. It's all a case of horses for courses - common sense is usually the best weapon you can have in a chatroom.

Unfortunately, however, you have to also be careful not to single out one person specifically as this can appear threatening and overwhelming. Join in the public chats, relax and have a laugh with the whole group - you'll find this way you'll hardly have to ask for people's personal contacts - they'll offer them once they get to know you.

Group c) This one is just the embodiment of ignorance. It shows a complete disrespect for the members of the room (especially as many subs may be collared) or a complete lack of knowledge about BDSM practices. Submission is given not demanded and you'll find most submissives are surprisingly strong willed in their everyday lives; they will therefore defend their right to choose whom they submit to by any means necessary. Fortunately this type of troll is more rare than the others.

This troll might also hit on every male/ female in the room under the impression that sub and Dom/me alike will bow down to their superiority. This attitude will be met with ridicule and contempt - only switches have this ability to swing between the two extremes - the rest of us cannot change who we are, so please don't ask us to. This also applies for subs that hit on other subs..

The biggest give-away though is that most trolls, when pulled up on their impolite greetings and offered advice will become rude and obnoxious and often downright insulting and distasteful. It is usually at this point that some of the more experienced room inhabitants will fight back and ideally get the troll to leave the room.

Regrettably, you will often find an inequality in how trolls are dealt with. Trolls are on the whole men and as such a new male will often have to work harder to be accepted than females, as members may be more wary towards them. In contrast, females who troll for males will often not be chastised, due to the fact that there are usually many men who will take them up on their offers. This is unfair but is something that you will have to tolerate as an intrinsic difference between male and female views towards BDSM. Just be smug in the knowledge that trolling by either sex does not usually lead to a satisfying or safe BDSM experience. Those who troll or respond to trolling often appear desperate, insincere and/or lacking in the ability to actually establish a relationship through social interaction.

No Limits
Another pitfall is the sub that arrives announcing they have 'no limits'. Not so much disrespectful but still showing off how little they understand BDSM. There is no such thing as 'no limits' and to say so may lead you into disturbing situations. "No limits" includes scat, watersports, animals, children, even snuff! - you get the picture. For sane people surely death itself is a limit. This applies even more so to offline situations where the very natures of some practices are life-threatening if not carried out under safe and controlled circumstances.

Age/Sex/Location
The only other thing I should mention here is the asking of a/s/l (age, sex, location)… often a common practice in 'vanilla' chatrooms it should be used with some caution on Alt sites. Some will accept and answer to it and some will consider it 'trolling'. Ultimately I don't really see the need for it anyway as age and location are pretty irrelevant if the chemistry is right. I firmly believe that if you want something enough then you will overcome all obstacles - it's more important to find someone you can truly trust!

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Other information
Sometimes the rooms may seem hostile. The regulars might be trying to shift a troll and it's easy for new comers to be put off. But I do urge you not to think that those members are unfriendly or unwelcoming - their efforts are so that the room is on the whole relaxed and more comfortable to chat in long-term.

More importantly though if you find that you are not comfortable in a room at any point and for any reason, remember that you still have the choice to leave and come back later or not as the case maybe. This stands true in ANY SITUATION!

Be wary of the perfect picture. Some have been known to post pictures of porn stars, friends - anyone but themselves. It is also common to find males under the guise of female profiles sounding out potential mates. If it looks too good to be true and sounds too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true. If you are looking for an offline relationship it is wise to meet without expectations to avoid disappointment.

Don't expect to meet someone on the first day. Alt lifestyles are based on friendship and trust which isn't established in a few sentences. Many including myself will talk to someone on a number of occasions in a public room before even considering going into a 'private chat', adding them to a personal chat program (msn, yahoo, aim etc) or giving them an email address. In this time it's wise to keep an eye out for changes in their 'story' or any indications that they may not be being completely honest.

As an addendum to the above, it is best to refrain from giving out personal information in a public chatroom, as not everyone present will be as scrupulous with your data as the person you intend it for. This includes phone numbers, real names, email addresses etc, most sites have a private chat or mail system where information can be exchanged safely.

If you are one of the lucky ones who finds a prospective partner to meet offline I can't stress the importance of being aware of the taboo and potential danger involved with meeting someone off the internet. Please make sure you read about how to protect yourself for a first meeting either here here or on a site like www.wizdomme.com . A genuine person should not mind you having these precautions in place. Be wary of the person who doesn't want others to know you are meeting them or where you are going. It being "early-days" is not a reason to put your safety at risk and this is often the reason that will be given to stop you talking to others. It is more likely that they have a bad reputation and don't want you being warned off.

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Summary
Pick a good name and read up on subjects to figure out what you are or might be potentially interested in, so that you can find the right room. Make your profile as descriptive and accurate as possible.

Greet everyone when you enter a room, be polite and make friends of both sexes as they can introduce you to others who may be looking for someone exactly like you! Subtly find out who is with whom and who is what orientation, so that you don't tread on anyone's toes - unless invited

Don't be afraid to ask relevant questions or say that you are new.
Avoid using clichéd and generalised pick-up lines.
Be careful! Your safety is paramount.

Ultimately be yourself! Don't think you have to act a certain way to impress or be accepted, as this can only lead to disappointment later.



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